


you fall at heaven's gates

by i_was_human



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Dark, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Panic Attacks, Pre-Canon, Relationship Study, Unreliable Narrator, implied/referenced eating disorder, no beta we die like my writing style, other dark things i didn't know how to tag, potentially triggering language used by an unreliable narrator, so many metaphors good god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:40:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28351809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human
Summary: Minsung's relationships with SA1NT - from pre-debut to the modern era.
Relationships: Im Youngjoon | Young J & Jung Hyunjin | Ven & Kim Taeseok & Lee Minsung & Moon Kyunghun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	you fall at heaven's gates

The first time Minsung meets Kyunghun, he's burning.

His feet slam against the tile floors of XR's buildings as he hikes his backpack higher, _resentment_ burning red-hot in his gut.

_StupidMinsoostupidlittlebrotherIworkedforthis-_

He rakes a hand through his hair, a few black strands falling back into his eyes, and he growls, shoving open the door to the practice room.

And _oh_ -

A brown-haired boy turns to face him, long hair pulled into a small bun and expression blank, and the fire in Minsung's gut _buildsbuildsbuilds_ with each passing second, because _this is a rival_.

He's going to succeed.

There's no room for doubt.

"Aren't you cheerful," the boy deadpans, and Minsung can see the exact moment it takes for irritation to flicker into concern. "...are you okay?"

Perhaps it's the simple showing of _care_ , but Minsung deflates, all the fire draining out of him and leaving a frigid emptiness in its wake.

Is he okay?

"Hey."

The boy grasps his wrists, hands burning against his too-cold skin, and Minsung raises his head to meet his gaze, all the breath leaving his lungs at the sight of those _old, old eyes_.

"Hey," the boy repeats, voice a little softer, now, "you're okay. It's okay."

Minsung sucks in a shuddering breath, ribcage rattling with the force of his parents' disapproval - _he's rubbing it in Minsoo's face, he's being a bad brother, he's doing everything wrong again and again and again_ \- but the boy's pressing his hand to his chest, and Minsung can feel the rabbit-thrumming of his heart under his fingers, can feel the way it's racing, but the boy's staring at him with those old old eyes, and so Minsung breathes.

Later on, he'll learn the boy's name is Moon Kyunghun. He'll learn he's one of the oldest in a family of twelve, will learn he loves his siblings deeply, will learn that he knows _so so well_ how to help with panic attacks, but that's then, and in this now, they're simply two boys crouched on the practice room floor, hearts beating in tandem and fingers intertwined.

* * *

They don't treat Youngjoon right.

This, Minsung knows for certain. 

Youngjoon is- Youngjoon is someone with a bleeding heart, someone with _so much_ love to give and so few to accept it, and every time Minsung shuts him off he can _see_ those cracks growing deeper and deeper-

yet he stands by.

Why?

The thing is this: XR is competitive. XR is competitive and cold and _dangerous_ , and getting close to someone who will leave you in the end is _so fucking dangerous_ , and Minsung - Minsung, with his guarded heart and cold, cold eyes - has no time for danger.

Work. He throws himself into work - dance practice, vocal practice, composing ~~because then someone might believe his lie~~ \- and it spills over every aspect of his life, tainting everything in a bitter, coffee-scented haze.

It's easy to miss Youngjoon inserting himself into his life like this.

Kyunghun takes a liking to him immediately - in that cold, emotionally-vacant way he does - and Youngjoon latches onto every shred of affection like a leech, desperate and begging for anything everyone will give him, and _oh_ , that's their first mistake.

Youngjoon's heart weeps technicolor bits of love over the tile of the practice room, and he gets _attached_ \- always has, Youngjoon - and Kyunghun and Minsung were never his best friends, but now they're his _only_ friends, and neither Minsung nor Kyunghun is emotionally available enough to give him the love he so desperately craves, and so the color drains from his heart, leaving only the faintest slivers of rainbow.

Always spent, never reciprocated.

Isn't that just Youngjoon as a whole?

But _oh_ , then the debut group lineup crashes down over them, and regret tastes acrid for a moment before Minsung drowns himself in _work work work_ once more.

Anything to stop Youngjoon from looking at him with those eyes full of wishes and could've-beens. 

(anything to lessen the regret that threatens to strangle him.)

* * *

Hyunjin is simple, honestly.

He's so blessedly _simple_ that Minsung could cry with relief. There are no hidden traps, no landmines he has to wind around - no. Hyunjin's just _simple_ , and it's _so, so relieving_.

He's a ray of sunshine - someone who can lighten the mood with a joke or a laugh at any given time. He's a true vocal talent, his voice soaring and dipping in ways Minsung can only dream of. He's _kind_ , unfailingly so, and he's just-

he's _easy_.

He's easy, and _god_ does Minsung appreciate it.

He's _easy_ , and in a group with Kyunghun and Youngjoon and Taeseok, Minsung can't appreciate it more.

That's not to say he _resents_ having to deal with his dongsaengs. That's not the truth at all. He just... 

is it selfish to say he's glad Hyunjin doesn't have baggage?

Is it selfish to say that when Kyunghun's the only one who comes to him? Is it selfish to say that when he sees Youngjoon suffering and does nothing?

Is he selfish?

(yes. always has been.)

And yeah, sometimes he notices the way Hyunjin can't quite meet his eyes. Sometimes he notices the bags beneath the younger's eyes, notices the way he grips Taeseok's hand a little more tightly, notices the way his smiles tread the line between real and fake.

But he does nothing.

After all, Hyunjin is the easy one.

* * *

Minsung isn't going to pretend his and Taeseok's relationship is anything more than amicable coworkers.

They play it up for the camera - the straight-laced leader and the diva maknae - but once the cameras are off, Taeseok flips up his hood and disappears, and Minsung never has the time to follow him.

(never cares to.)

Perhaps it's one of his failings as a leader. Perhaps he's failing Taeseok on three levels - as a leader, hyung, and friend.

Then again, he's never been the last two, and his solo work has always taken priority over the former, so really, he owes Taeseok nothing. 

Isn't that the dismal truth.

He can imagine them being close in another life, sometimes. Can imagine them being close in a world where Minsung wasn't so cold and Taeseok wasn't so broken. 

It's fun to imagine, sometimes.

And yet this isn't that world, and Minsung's already allowed himself one attachment, so he cuts himself off.

He cuts himself off, and pretends he doesn't notice the dark circles under Taeseok's eyes, pretends he doesn't notice his limp hair and hollow cheeks, pretends he doesn't notice the darkness behind every smile, because Taeseok ~~is a~~ _ ~~burden~~ _can handle himself.

Right.

Taeseok can handle himself. 

Taeseok can handle himself, and so Minsung swallows back the last shattered remains of his older brother instinct that Minsoo tore from his chest and gets back to work, putting every emotion his traitorous, yearning heart aches to extend into his music.

It's better this way. More productive.

(he never has to think about who he's left behind this way.)

**Author's Note:**

> title from saints - the echoes
> 
> also fun fact i almost mistyped saints as sa1nts
> 
> i write too much lit
> 
> (if you know the next line, you get a cookie, bc it 100% fits minsung in this fic)
> 
> [twit](https://twitter.com/i_was_human_) | [lit fic discord!](https://discord.gg/CNunB74)


End file.
